


Blackmailing

by ValkyrieSigyn



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Complete silliness, Gen, even some violence but I try to be kind k, rude language, written while high on caffeine and a serious lack of sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 17:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/864600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieSigyn/pseuds/ValkyrieSigyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin, Bofur and Dwalin live together in a calm city and make their ways of living and doing everyday things, and everything seems to be fine, until an old enemy shows up, and Thorin's and Dwalin's rather specious past becomes useful to save their friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blackmailing

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as an ArtTrade, and my first ever, actually. I'm kind of proud xD

Bofur woke up as a merciless ray of sun found a way to sneak through the curtains and shone right onto his face. He groaned and turned around, sure he had not slept enough for school that day – only to find out he had overslept with more than an hour as he spotted the clock on his bedside table. Suddenly he was all awake and managed to get dressed in just a few seconds, ran for the bathroom for then aiming for the kitchen. With a speed he thought wasn’t possible he made himself a slice of bread and hurried out to the living room to collect his things.

“By Qui-Gon Jinn’s beard, what’s the hurry?” Thorin said as he entered the collective with the morning newspaper in his hand and picked up a cup of tea. Bofur wondered how it was possible that every fucking morning, Thorin’s hair looked perfect, collected in a pony-tail by his neck, and a few strands of grey loosely by his ears, a hint of ancient style mixed with modern fashion by his appearance. The way that man managed to always look elegant, even in his bathrobe, annoyed Bofur and he had always wanted to know the secret behind it.

“I should have been at school 30 minutes ago…” Bofur sighed and got his jacket on.

“I could drive you there, if it’s that serious.” Thorin said and lifted his eyebrows.

“Yes, but please, get some clothes on…” Bofur sighed and looked him up and down. “You’re 31 years, a bathrobe and boxer is not ok when you’re moving outside the collective…”

“I don’t see any problems; I’m going to sit in a car.” Thorin said and headed for his bedroom.

“Wow, and not the Harley… But please – get socks and shoes on, not pink crocs!” Bofur moaned and got his own shoes on.

“You should be worried about school, not what I’m wearing!” Thorin shouted back from his bedroom and Bofur slowly counted to ten and as he opened his eyes again, Thorin stood in front of him again, wearing dark jeans and a t-shirt. “I hope this is ok. And we take Arky. Dwalin is still pissed at me because I forgot to fill the tank last time…”

“Fine, okay, come on!” Bofur rolled his eyes and opened the door. “And it’s called manners to fuel the vehicle after borrowing it…”

“A little more gratitude would be appreciated – I thought that by the age of 25, people would know that.” Thorin said with a small smile as he locked the door.

“Not the best start today, okay?” Bofur sighed back and headed for the car – Bofur didn’t have one himself, but Thorin allowed him to borrow it at rare occasions, as the blue 1973 Ford Mustang was his baby and the reason most girls had left him; he kissed the car good night every day but not the girls. He had even named his car Arky. Dwalin hadn’t bothered to buy a car as he only used the company’s car when working and only had a Harley Davidson he could only use 4 months a year. If it was a crisis, Bilbo, who lived down the street, would let him use his car.

“Your hair looks like a mess.” Thorin said as he looked at Bofur as he fastened his seatbelt.

“As I said – I overslept!” Bofur sighed and tried to correct the mess of shoulder-long brown hair.

“You haven’t even got a chance to take care of your beard.” Thorin smirked as he started to drive.

“Shut up.” Bofur sighed and dropped back in the seat while trying to correct his moustache and moment of silence followed. “What’s for dinner today?”

“I’m not sure, Dwalin made bacalao yesterday, which I had planned to make today, so maybe I’ll make enchiladas instead.”

“Not bad, can’t remember last time we had that.” Bofur said and checked the clock. “Well, I’ll be there till the first break, I can sneak in then.”

“By the look on your face, I believed you were missing an exam.” Thorin said while they waited for green light in a cross.

“No, and I’m happy for that… It’s just a very interesting guest lecturer telling about the meaning of music in rehabilitation, and also how music can motivate as a part of a habilitation. I hope I won’t miss too much of it.”

“Music is blood, blood is life.” Thorin said with a smile – as a way of earning extra money for the rent, they had an amateur band with a few friends and played cover concerts, but at least Thorin had a plan of making their own stuff soon. “If you need any music for a project, just give me a sign.”

“I know, and I’ve asked you before, and I’m still grateful.” Bofur said and felt relieved as he saw the school building in front of them. Thorin drove him up to the door and Bofur almost ran for it, shouting something Thorin guessed were ‘thank you’, ‘I owe you for this’ or ‘you saved my ass again’. Thorin drove back home, looking forward to have a nice breakfast.

…

“You look tired, Bofur!” Bilbo smiled as his friend entered the bookshop at the college.

“Yeah, you can say so…” Bofur yawned – man, what was going on with him today? “I overslept and thankfully Thorin was up so he could drive me to school…”

“Worst way of waking up!” Bilbo said and turned to find a cup and poured him some coffee. “Here, Arabic coffee, blacker than a polar winter night and with so much caffeine that you should be awake for three days.”

“And you’re drinking several cups of this?” Bofur asked as he took the cup.

“Only thing that keeps me from falling asleep at work, you know how my narcolepsy tries to get me sleeping at all times.” Bilbo smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

In the next moment an elderly man entered the bookshop and looked at Bilbo with a friendly and excited face. “I wonder if you want to come in and join me for an adventure!”

“Across the street and buy cat food?” Bilbo asked and took a sip of coffee.

“How did you know?” the man asked with a smile.

“A small bird told me so, Gandalf.” Bilbo grinned and picked up his jacket. Bofur looked at him with a smile. “Bofur, you know I’ve told you about his dementia, he gets so confused if I don’t follow him. I suggest you follow us, he will be glad!” Bilbo whispered with a smile and turned to Gandalf. “Gandalf, is it okay if Bofur joins us? He has always dreamt of going on an adventure with you!”

“Of course, we are stronger when three!” Gandalf smiled and headed out the door and the two men followed him, Bilbo locking the door and putting up a sign saying “Be back in 30 minutes.”

They followed the old man across the street and to the grocery market where they always bought the cat food, Gandalf all the time happy and smiling because one more wanted to follow him. He even bought them a chocolate each to thank them and they sat down on a bench to relax for a few minutes before walking back.

“Mr. Baggins?” a voice suddenly asked.

They looked up and saw a tall, muscular policeman in front of them, his long, blonde hair collected loosely in a pony tail and a few streaks of it framed his scarred face. Bofur immediately felt the urge to scream by the frightening sight, but managed to remain silent, but Gandalf just looked at him with a curious face.

Bilbo put down his pipe, which he had been smoking on for the last minutes and just glared at the police officer with a confused face – Azog, here? “Yes?”

“I must ask you to follow me to the police station – Gandalf’s family has expressed a lot of worry about you going out with him like this, and have accused you for kidnapping.” The police officer said and lifted up his badge.

“You say so, officer Azog. But in case there has been any confusions, it’s always Gandalf bring me out on his so-called adventures, not the opposite.” Bilbo said calm and looked at Bofur and Gandalf. “I always make sure he gets home safely.”

“You can explain that on the station.” Azog smiled, a creepy smile with pointy teeth.

*

“This is weird, Bofur always use to tell us if he’s late!” Thorin said worriedly and looked out of the window. “Something’s wrong.”

“Sure he hasn’t tried to call?” Dwalin asked and checked the phone again, in case he had overseen a message. Nothing. He continued chopping the salad, looking worriedly over at Thorin – he knew that Thorin wasn’t the one to get stressed unless there was a reason, and as Thorin took off the apron and threw it to the floor, Dwalin left the salad and walked up beside him. Ever since they fled from their hometown, Thorin had taken responsibility for them, their friends and their families, despite his young age and now as Dwalin saw him like this, he started to grow worried himself.

“No, I’ve checked several times already. I’ve even tried to call some of his classmates, but the last time they saw him, he was heading for Bilbo’s bookshop, but Bilbo doesn’t answer the phone either.” Thorin rubbed his templars as a headache sneaked in on him and hit with a power enough to knock him down. “Gosh it hurts…”

“Mama Thorin, you need to calm down a little.” Dwalin said and patted Thorin’s shoulder.

“I can sense something’s wrong!” Thorin sighed. “Somebody is after us, I swear.”

“Have you taken your paranoia medicine lately…?” Dwalin asked carefully, knowing that the good flow Thorin had been in the last months had lasted too long already.

“Yes, I have!” Thorin rolled his eyes. “Go read your Bible if you’re going to suggest more medicine, maybe you can pray for me while you’re at it.”

“Calm down now, it’s just your… peace… that is disturbed.” Dwalin said with a small smile.

“When did you even notice my Jedi codes?” Thorin looked at Dwalin with a lifted eyebrow.

“Come on, you have a light saber in your bedroom, you have a t-shirt that says ‘shame on George Lucas’ and in your last will you have written ‘born 15th February 1971, met the Force xx.xx.xxxx. I googled it and found Jediism. I’ve known it for years.” Dwalin rolled his eyes.

“Impressive, Sherlock.” Thorin said and looked out of the window again.

“Come on, what else would you have expected when we’re practically lived together for 8 years?” Dwalin asked and looked at Thorin, who didn’t look back and Dwalin sighed and headed back for the living room. “WWJD?!”

“I have no idea what Jesus would do.” Thorin said and followed Dwalin and asked the question none of them had ever asked before. “Should we call the police?”

“He hasn’t been missing for that long, but…” Dwalin sighed, feeling his guts twisting by just the thought of the police – all the trouble they had caused each other back then, and they didn’t know if the police was a friend of them or not.

They stopped in their tracks as they heard a sound by the door, and in the next second they ran for it. They almost crashed into each other as they hurried to see, but the bald dwarf was first and his face froze in confusion.

“Auch, thank you!” Thorin grumbled and got up from the floor. “What is it?” he asked as Dwalin didn’t respond. Then he saw the letter. “This is getting better – blackmailing!”

“That means no enchiladas, right?” Dwalin sighed and handed Thorin the letter.

“They can wait, easy to warm them as we’ve got Bofur home again.” Thorin growled and looked out of the window, a determined expression on his face as his grip around the letter tightened – this meant revenge. The suppressed side of him was boiling beneath the surface, the part of him that had been hidden ever since they fled from their mafia roots in NYC – what you are born and raised with, won’t let go that easily.

*

“Come on, what is this about?!” Bofur sighed and asked the same question as he had been doing all day after they were brought to this cellar and cuffed against the wall.

“Now this is an adventure!” Gandalf smiled to them.

“Gandalf, please. Shut up.” Bilbo rolled his eyes, at least he didn’t make any trouble.

“Now we better hope your friends will come.” Azog smiled, a smile revealing his many and pointy teeth.

“What are you going to do them?!” Bofur asked nervously – shit, this was not good – he was a part of a blackmailing deal.

“No, only one of them – Thorin.” Azog smiled as he turned around, his flowing locks swaying in his grace as he left the room.

“Let’s hope Thorin stays cool and call the police.” Bofur whispered.

“He won’t I can tell you that.” Bilbo whispered back and Bofur sent him a scared look. “You weren’t there, back then. But he always solved problems by himself, and that is the reason all of us are still standing here today, including you.”

“Tell me – is this something that dates back to NYC and what we don’t speak about?” Bofur whispered, more confused than ever.

“I’m afraid so. And if Thorin fails, it won’t be pretty.” Bilbo sighed and dropped his head back against the wall. “In best case, Azog ends up defiled again and in jail.”

“True courage isn’t about taking lives, but to know when to spare one.” Gandalf smiled to them, and both of the men stared back at him, knowing they wouldn’t be able to knock him down anyways.

“Gandalf, shut up.”

*

“Thorin, red light!” Dwalin screamed and ducked as Thorin’s foot wasn’t anywhere near the pedal – instead, he sped up and swung Arky between cars that stopped and screeched to avoid crashing with him. Thorin ignored the car horns and curses and Dwalin carefully popped his head up again. “You can’t help Bofur if you’re dead.”

“Probably I’ll be dead sooner or later tonight…” Thorin mumbled and Dwalin knew what he was thinking – most likely it was an enemy from the past, and Thorin would have to pay. Thorin feared Bofur’s life as he had a feeling the kidnapper would do anything to have him in his power.

After a while they stopped in front of a big building, something that once was a dairy. “Big…” Dwalin sighed and looked at Thorin. “I think we’ll need plan B anyways.”

“Call Fili and Kili. Tell them to not bring with the other angels…” Thorin rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed.

“Come on, Hell’s Angels can be useful!” Dwalin snickered.

“Yeah, when you need to claim money.” Thorin mumbled and checked the stun-guns. “Besides, I think Nori is still pissed for that bike…”

“It was Nori’s own fault when it all came to the end, he knows that- ah, Fili, I’ve never been so glad to hear your voice!”

Thorin sighed as Dwalin talked with his nephews; when fleeing from NYC with what was left of his family, he had never imagined Fili and Kili to join Hell’s Angels – not to mention that he would actually need it some day.

…

“What was that?” Bofur whispered as he heard some noises above him.

“Sh!” Bilbo poked him with his elbow. Gandalf had fallen asleep and didn’t notice, to their relief.

“I think we have visitors…” Azog smiled and left the room, making the hairs on Bofur’s neck to rise as he feared Azog had a plan to catch Thorin as well.

But the minutes went by, and he heard nothing more – Bofur didn’t like this, not at all. They were all cuffed and Azog had the key, and he couldn’t find anything in the small office that could help him. Maybe out in the production halls, but it was dark and he feared that wandering alone, cuffed, would end up worse than it already was.

…

“Kili, power logs!” Fili smiled as he tossed the dynamite over to Kili, a cigarette glowing as he held it firmly with the corner of his mouth.

“Power… More like Chinese crackers, if you ask me.” Kili snickered as he caught them and started to attach them to a solid steel door.

“Stop complaining, I know you enjoy this as much as me.” Fili said low and started to secure two ropes to climb up the wall. “Better pray Mum never knows about this.”

“You know she will, sooner or later, and poor uncle will go through a living hell.” Kili said low as he planted the dynamite and started to prepare the detonators. “After all, it was he that learned us how to use dynamite.”

“Yeah, during the period when his girlfriends were named Jack Daniels and Kalinka.” Fili said as he started to climb up the wall and attached more dynamite. “Not to mention when he was supposed to look after us when she was out on the streets and ‘calling for some time’, and as she got home, she always found him sleeping on the couch after visit from his girlfriends and we were playing with the stun gun on a wasp nest in the garden.”

“Though, I would say we have done good – Mum has got a proper job now, Thorin is running his own music store as he always had dreamt of, and we have our own car repair shop!” Kili smiled as Fili came down again, and they were done. “And Thorin is now only seeing his ‘girlfriends’ now and then.”

“Yeah, could have been a lot worse – so maybe we should focus now and get those 3 lost souls out of here so it doesn’t turn out shitty and crappy again.” Fili patted Kili’s shoulder and they silently trotted away from the door.

…

“This reminds me of the old days…” Dwalin said with a small smile. “I was young back then.”

“Yeah, at least you weren’t the son of a mafia boss…” Thorin mumbled as they approached the entrance they had found to be the weakest spot.

“My cousin Oin fixed us these usb-walkie talkies, he got them from some mafia contacts he still sees now and then.” Dwalin whispered. “Sound check!” as he got the response from all four of them, he was pleased.

“And that worries me…” Thorin rolled his eyes as they checked around the corner. “Clear.”  
Soon they found a map over the building and as they studied it, Kili suddenly lit up. “I’ve been here before!”

They all turned and looked at him, all confused. “And you didn’t remember that until now…?” Thorin asked low, trying to hide his frustration – was this imbecile really his sister’s son?!

“I… was kind of drunk that night, I didn’t remember it was here until I recognized the map…” Kili rolled his eyes. “These areas here were used for storage and are large, empty rooms by now, not likely to hide anyone there. I would say we focus here… here… and here.” He explained as he pointed on the map.

“And this area?” Thorin asked and pointed at one.

“I… I don’t remember that part…” Kili said and shrugged his shoulders.

Thorin sighed again, but Dwalin looked at him with calm eyes. “A lot more to go on than what we had when we got here. Now we have fixed the easiest spot in and out so we have an escape, we only need to detonate it at the right timing. Come on, let’s go on. Kili, you follow me, Fili, you go with Thorin.”

They nodded and split, hoping they wouldn’t be too late.

…

Azog couldn’t keep from smiling as he heard the screeching sound of a door being opened – so, Thorin took the bait, and now all he had to, was to lure him into the trap. He heard them approach, the weak sound of shoes against concrete floor echoing in the almost empty building. A small chuckle escaped from his thin lips as he prepared.

He waited by the trap he had set up, waiting patiently like a spider watching the fly approaching the web. Finally he could finish what he once had started…

But then he spotted Thorin, but he was not alone – another man followed him, a very young one as well. That was not a part of his plan. Well, a little action couldn’t harm, and he prepared his Glock. He had never had a problem with blood and guts anyways.

…

“Uncle, I don’t like this…” Fili whispered as an unsettling feeling set in him – Thorin was thinking of this in a too simple way, it was too easy to just walk in, free the captives and run out again.

“Neither do I…” he whispered back and his hand, on its free will, checked the belt; knife, tasers, strips, duck tape and his Colt was still there.

“I don’t know much about your old days, but this-“ Fili started but stopped as Thorin turned to look at him.

“Fili, this IS about the old days, it can’t be anything else. You might think I’m way too relaxed about this, but I am not. I try to keep it cool so we have a better chance of getting them out alive and in one piece.” Thorin looked Fili in his eyes, and now Fili felt nervous because this was more serious than he expected. “Keep your head cool.” Thorin whispered and laid a hand on Fili’s shoulder before he moved on.

Fili followed him, down a corridor and to a crossing and there they stopped. Thorin stood there for several moments, completely silent and listening intensively and tried to focus his eyes in the dark. “Where do we go?” Fili asked after a minute.

“To the right.” Thorin said as he sensed something. If it was sound, smell or vision, he didn’t know, but something told him to take to the right. They jogged down the hall, took the right again and through some gates that lead them into a production hall. They both stopped there for a moment, seeing all the machinery still standing there long after the dairy shut down.

“This is… Like looking for a needle…” Fili whispered and looked at Thorin.

“Indeed…” Thorin whispered, for suddenly looking to the left. “Down here!” he hissed and they started to sneak along the wall and soon Fili spotted what Thorin had seen; a dim light came from a window, and as they got there, they found a small office, and to their joy, all three of their companions, alive. They seemed to have fallen asleep, at least Bofur was drooling on Gandalf and he didn’t notice.

Thorin tried to open the door, but found that it was locked. “Should have guessed so…” he mumbled. He carefully knocked on the window and Bilbo slowly tilted his head up, a sleepy yet nervous look in his eyes that turned into joy as he saw Thorin. “The door is locked!” Thorin said low. “I’ll be back!” He nodded to Fili and they disappeared out of sight again.

“We need to find something to-“ Thorin started, but in the next moment Fili pushed him heavily so he fell sideways and crashed to the floor – a heavy thud sounded and metal screeched, and as Thorin looked up, Fili was caught in some kind of trap. “FILI!”

Fili looked nervously around before he looked at his uncle. “GET OUT!”

“I’m not!” Thorin hissed and looked around – for then being knocked down from behind.

All he could see was stars and a darkness getting more and more intense, before somebody kneeled over him, smiling with pointy teeth. “Maybe you escaped the trap, but you didn’t escape me.”

“Azog…” Thorin mumbled as he recognized his old enemy before he passed out.

*

“What a wonderful rescue…” Bofur mumbled as he looked at Fili and Thorin ahead of them – both tied up and placed against the wall.

“I don’t see why you’re complaining.” Azog smiled and bent down to face Bofur. “This means you go free, without a harm on one condition: don’t tell a soul.”

“I wonder how it came to you becoming a police officer.” Bilbo said with sarcasm.

“Oh, just a deal with some identity papers and some plastic surgery in Brazil. And a lot of money.” He smiled and walked over to Thorin. “I’ve been living quite a comfortable life since the rest of your clan fled, but I haven’t got my last revenge.” He said low and kicked Thorin so he woke up again. Azog bent down and grabbed his jaw and held him tightly. “I still haven’t revenged my father.”

“You know as well as me that I did so after what he did to my father and grandfather.” Thorin said low, still affected by the hard blow to his head. “Take revenge on the revenge? Pathetic.”

“I can’t let you go with that.” Azog said and didn’t let Thorin go.

“Uncle, don’t do anything hast-“

“Fili, this is between me and him.” Thorin said without taking his eyes from Azog.

“Uncle, what are you even-“

“Oh, haven’t you told this pup what was going on?” Azog smiled and turned to Fili. “Are you Dis’ oldest son? Then you can’t be more than 20. The other one can’t be more than 18. I guess none of you had the heart to explain such young boys what was going on back then, or ever since? After all, it’s 10 years ago.” Azog let go of Thorin and turned to Fili. “I think you deserve an explanation; a few things happened back in NYC, a few tragic incidents with the outcome that both your grandfather and great-grandfather died.”

“Died? Your father slaughtered them like pigs, for nothing!” Thorin hissed, earning another blow to his head from Azog.

“Your point of view.” Azog said shortly. “Then your uncle decided to have some revenge time, and killed my father. Beating him up, breaking legs and arms and as he was done breaking every bone he could, he shot him. At that point, he had already started to evacuate the survivors of your clan, and this was the last thing he did before he left NYC. Unfortunately, the police got the theft of my father’s business, and I couldn’t risk follow and decided to wait and plan my revenge. Now you got your explanation.”

“Uncle?” Fili looked at his uncle, surprised that the usually gentle man could be that brutal.

“I didn’t break his legs. Or arms. Or anything. Arky did.” Thorin said and shrugged his shoulders. “Well deserved, the bastard made some nasty marks on the car.”

Again, Azog hit him, but Thorin had started to get used to the pain by now. “Thorin, this is your last night. Choose your words with the little honour that’s left in you.”

“To you? Hell no.” Thorin spat and yet another blow was delivered, and this time he felt his nose giving in and blood ran down and onto his lips.

“Keep on insulting me, I enjoy hitting you.” Azog said with a grim smile. He picked up a knife and Fili’s eyes told Thorin about a horror he had never experience; he felt sorry for putting Fili in this situation, but he looked back at Azog with a cold face – he would never give that man the damn pleasure. Azog slit this t-shirt open and looked down on him. “I wonder how it can be that you escaped NYC without any scars.”

“Because I’m clever than you?” Thorin said as it was a fair suggestion.

“Says the captive.” Azog said with a sarcastic smile and let the knife’s blade barely touch Thorin’s skin, but enough to cut a small line from the base of his neck and to the centre of his chest. Thorin hissed from the pain but held back any sounds that wanted to come through. “So that’s how you look like when you’re in pain. Gorgeous.”

“Your image of beauty is fucked up.” Thorin said and glared at Azog.

Bofur sighed as he looked away, sure he would have to watch his friend die tonight. He looked up, begging to whatever force who would listen, and hoped someone would come around. It was then he thought he saw something move, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe Dwalin was around, and if so, that meant hope.

It was then someone came jumping through the window, sending pieced of glass all over the room. “Hello, Azog!” Nori said and knocked the man down, and to their relief, he didn’t move. He dusted off his clothes and looked around. “Yeah, like always, call for the thief when something happens, right?” he mumbled and started to cur free the three first captives. “Good for you I was in the nearby!”

“How…?” Fili asked, confused but glad to see his boss.

“Kili called and said you were getting butt-fucked by Azog. Seems like he was on his way already?” Nori said as he freed Thorin and Fili, looking Thorin up and down.

“He didn’t get that far.” Thorin mumbled and got up, wiping blood off from his chest.

“This time either?” Nori said with a wicked grin.

“Oh what more now, uncle?!” Fili rolled his eyes to Thorin.

“Oh it’s actually nothing, Fili.” Nori said and helped Gandalf up. “Thorin was drunk at a party once, fell asleep and woke up because Azog was fondling all over him and stuff. He never got that far though, Thorin’s reflexes doesn’t get affected by alcohol.”

“It was quite horrifying, in case you wonder. “Thorin mumbled and tried to figure out what to do with his t-shirt.

“Shit, he wakes up!” Nori hissed and opened the door. “KILI!”

Kili came running, counted them quickly, for then pointing out the direction. “We take a short cut. I have the detonator. Follow me!” he turned and ran, and all of them ran the best they could.

“This adventure is far more dramatic than I imagined it to be!” Gandalf smiled as Bilbo and Kili pulled him along with them.

“THORIN!” they heard Azog shout and as Thorin and Nori turned to see, they saw him come running after them.

“Thorin, do you have the taser?” Nori sighed, watching Azog approach.

“Yes.” Thorin said, picked it up and aimed. “Got’cha.”

In the next moment, Azog fell to the floor, screaming as the volts rushed through him, and as it was over, he just laid there, trembling, and Thorin and Nori ran after the others. They saw Kili picking up the detonator, and in the next moment they heard an explosion, followed by the sound of several engines starting up, one by one.

They soon found a huge hole in the wall and Dwalin running around to get Arky and the motorcycles started. “COME ON!” he roared through the dust cloud as they ran up to him and started to find their seats. As Thorin was about to jump into the driver’s seat, something pulled him back.

“YOU!” he roared and grabbed Thorin’s hair in an iron grip and pulled him up so their faces were equal.

“You asked for it.” Thorin hissed, and in the next moment he grabbed his shoulders, kicked Azog’s crotch, and as Azog bent down in pain, Thorin tilted his head up and gave him a real punch in his face. “I’ve had enough! For all my life you’ve been taunting me, harassing me, tried to molest me, sneaked into my pants without my permission – and on top of it all, you try to kill ME because I gave your father what he deserved! THIS IS IT!” He picked up a knife and forced Azog down and held it in front of him. “This is your last day with living on a lie.”

“Uncle, NO!” Kili shouted from where he stood, shocked by the scene. “He’s not worth it!”

“You can’t risk going to jail because of HIS lust for revenge!” Fili said and looked at Thorin.

But Thorin stared at Azog, wanting nothing else than to cut his throat and finish this. His hand was trembling as he forced it to wait.

“He’s not the last of his clan!” Dwalin said and walked up to Thorin. “If you do this, none of us will survive.”

Thorin knew Dwalin was right, but that wasn’t the one thing that stopped him – it was Azog’s eyes. He saw fear, a deep and strong fear and Thorin felt ashamed when he found himself towering above Azog like he did. He hid the knife and let go of Azog’s face.

“Leave us alone, for as long as we live, and we’ll spare your life.” Thorin said low yet calm to Azog as he had calmed down himself and took a few steps back.

“And if I don’t? Or maybe I’ll tell my colleagues about you, Thorin?” Azog said with a horrible grimace on his face as he got up on his legs.

“You have forgotten you are surrounded by no less than three angels. You don’t want to trifle with Hell’s Angels, they make our past look like a kindergarten.” Thorin now had a grim, mocking smile on his lips. “There’s no way you can win this unless you accept my offer.”

Azog looked at them all, faces going from shock to pure fury. He had no other choice. “Fine. Only if you leave me be as well.”

“There’s no reason I would like to go near you unless you tried to perform a stunt like this again.” Thorin said and straightened up. “Deal?”

Azog sighed and reached out a hand. “Deal.”

Thorin hated it, but he shook his hand, knowing that was the only way to make a deal valid. “Now, please leave.”

Azog looked at them a last time before he left, not saying a word.

“Wow, what a night…” Fili sighed as he turned to walk back to his bike.

“Like a flash of the past…” Nori said, a melancholic smile on his lips. “Those were the days…”

“They were; a lot of things I’m still missing.” Thorin sighed and headed to Arky again. “Though, I can do perfectly fine without the fear of someone getting killed.”

“Except from that little detail – admit it was fun, Thorin.” Bilbo said as he stood in front of Thorin, who was sitting in the driver’s seat with the door open, firing up a rare cigarette.

“It was, but that doesn’t mean I’m going back again. Damn, Bilbo…” Thorin rolled his eyes and glared at Bilbo. “Chocolate fondue is wonderful and tasty, but that doesn’t make it the only good dessert in the world!” Thorin inhaled deeply before speaking again. “And now I’m hungry, bruised, got a bloody cut on my chest, my Bruce Springsteen t-shirt from 1987 is ruined, I smell of sweat and dynamite, not to mention a lack of sleep. And I need some of my happy pills right now, so I suggest you morons get in the car so we can get back home. And tomorrow, nobody wakes me up. But Bofur, as a ‘thank you for saving my ass’, you can go to my store tomorrow early and put up a sign saying it’s closed because of illness.”

“Good to see you’re yourself again Thorin, being the stressed mother of the house wasn’t quite your image.” Dwalin snickered and got in the car. “But stop on red lights now, please.”

“If anyone gets in the car NOW, I will!” Thorin shouted and his face reached a new level of red. “And I can hear the police approaching, we better get out of here NOW!”

“See you tomorrow uncle, when you’re not grumpy.” Kili laughed and put his helmet on and soon all of them were driving home to their warm and safe beds.

“What an adventure!” Gandalf smiled from the backseat, pretty sure he would never forget it – since he really didn’t have Alzheimer’s, but out of pure boredom had decided to pretend he had, just to bother the people around him.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment, I'd love to hear what you think, especially since I'm seriously considering to write more stories based on this one! ^^


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